In the last half year, I have closed some doors in my life (and some doors have closed on their own), my life looks very different now than it did in November of last year. First, I took that guy who had me listening to classical music on a candlelit boat in London to my family to pay the ‘bride price’ after he knelt in the mud by the Benue River to ask me to marry him – it was very dramatic (perhaps I’ll write a post about it). Then, I moved out of the DC area to live with said man *sobs*, and I left my job in consulting, closing the door to an organization that has shaped most of my adult life and my career so far. Of all these, the separation from my job was the largest door I closed because so much of me had been groomed in that place. I joined that organization three weeks after starting my dreadlocks and I sometimes looked at the growth of my hair as a metaphor for my growth at the organization so it was intense.
As with all things, when doors close, others open (or in this particular case, a large door into the unknown with quite a bit of uncertainty). It is in this season of trying to figure out what my next step looks like career-wise that the question of who am I and why am I here? has become more desperate, in a way that I cannot ignore. This season has made it clear that I will die if I do anything outside of being a lover girl. Yes, it is that dire but before you think – ‘that’s corny, also no one can feed off love’, let me explain.
People who are close to me know that my greatest fear is getting to my old age (whatever that is) and having exactly the same regrets that people who were that ‘old’ age when I was young had. Essentially, I am afraid of not learning from other people’s decades of mistakes. I think it’s incredible insanity to have been told by many old/ dying people that: it is worth nothing to work yourself to the bone for money, at the expense of love and family, and then proceed to do just that. It’s like someone comes from the future to tell you, the path not to take then you say ‘nope. I hate myself’. But I don’t hate myself, so I have decided to live love but what does that mean?
I was thinking about how most of my friends (and I) think about our careers, like a linear line to money acquisition and retirement (notice how I didn’t say wealth because I am also starting to redefine wealth beyond money). And I thought about someone like Beyoncé who has been singing since she was a child and does not seem to be in a hurry to retire even though she has a ton of money. To me, it is indicative that when you do what you are made to do, what your soul loves and lives on, your decisions to wake up every day and work have absolutely nothing to do with the money you make. Even more than that, you are in no hurry to retire because you are doing something that feels like the very breath you breathe. For me, that is what it is like to love, to love life and these days, I can no longer imagine myself waking up to solve a problem that has no way of changing lives directly. It took me a while to get here but I know I have always been on this path, investigating the kind of work I want to do and it is for the love of God and people that I want to wake up every morning. I want to solve difficult problems like access to education and healthcare, but more than that, I want to do it in a way that lights up the soul. I want people to touch the solutions I develop and sleep easier, feel lighter, and live fuller because of them.
When I think of this, it reminds me why I write. Until recently, I thought writing was the only way I could love people but I kept struggling with the idea of monetizing this love. lol. But when I think about what it is to love – the way that I love my mother, the way that I love F, no payment is required because it is an immeasurable wealth in my heart. A wealth that looks like hearty laughter that keeps my body, spirit, and soul healthy. I don’t know why I struggled to see it before but I must love in every part of my life, not just in my art or I will die.
