Yesterday, I activated the David in me and had a serious fight with Yahweh. I lowkey think I am the only one who felt the emotional grunt because even though I was fuming, I was suppressing my anger. I knew that I was angry with God but not enough to be like “I am out of here” because, WHERE WILL I GO THAT I WILL BE OUT OF GOD’S SIGHT?
I sometimes struggle to surrender to the idea that God could love me. Don’t get me wrong, I fully believe in the sacrifice of Jesus and what it means. The thing that I struggle with is that God could concern himself with my frivolous matters like finding a new job, or a family member’s visa application to visit me, or this ambition I have to be a great writer. I just sometimes find it so hard to reconcile the idea that this big God who is occupied with painting the sky and commanding the wind could be just as bothered about my issues but the Bible says he is. So this is why I was fighting Yahweh yesterday – my inability to reconcile his character as the good God with my immediate circumstances.
Perhaps other people have hacked it but I have not. The question I was debating was – if God is true and cannot lie, and his word does not change, and he is almighty and can do all things, can he be good? Because if he is all these things and equally good, then one of the reasons I was crying yesterday should not have happened. In my mind then, the only reason the thing happened is because he is either good or he is almighty, not both. But even though I felt this way, I knew what God had said about himself and his character but my conflict remained that the evidence around me did not match with what I knew of God’s character.
To be clear, I am always team Yahweh. When I reach the end of my intellectual debates, I chuck up my conflicting theories to “For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears” – 1 Cor 13:9-10 NIV.
But before I get to the point of chucking up my theories to this scripture, I try to go back to the basics. If God’s word can never return void, and he does not repent of what he has said then if he makes you a promise, he will fulfil. How then do I know if I have a promise from God? Perhaps it is my arrogance that is leading me down the path I am currently on but I have been desperate to hear God. Not just so I can be saying “God told me” but so that I can be like “it does not matter what storms come my way because God already told me, and he does not lie, neither will he recant his words”. So like a faith-building exercise. They say the scripture is where you start, and prayer is the other place but I really wonder sometimes if I am making these conversations up in my head because my circumstances don’t align with what I know to be true of God’s character. There are times when I am convinced of something, then it does not happen then I am like, I clearly did not hear God then and that breaks my heart because I always think of the scripture that says “my sheep know my voice” and I am just like am I a goat? Lord? LOL!
But seriously, I am desperate for deeper conversations with Yahweh. Yet I feel like no matter what I do, I am still at the surface. Sometimes, I am fully immersed in the irrefutable truth of His love and goodness but some days, I am just like who is this Guy? I have not hacked it, I wish I had but I really just wanted to let you know I fought with Yahweh yesterday and I am actually very proud of it because weird as it may sound, it was the first time I felt like I did not have to suppress my feelings to how can you yell at the Creator of the universe?
